Every summer, as if it’s new, I feel blue. I am surprised to find myself feeling this way every year. That is not what is supposed to happen. Summer is a time for freedom, relaxation, family. For me summer is isolation, idleness, contemplation, and frustration. I thrive when I am busy and purposeful. I wilt when I am not needed. I feel blue. I have too much time on my hands and prolific thoughts that never cease. I find myself whiling away the days accomplishing little more than breathing in and out all day, binge watching TV, and sitting on my ass thinking I should probably get up an exercise or something. Then I lean back in my chair or on my pillows and continue to breath and think and watch and wait for the school year to start again so I can be productive. I hate the summer blues.
Thinking we need regular camping trips or 1 day a week of no screens for the whole family- because I believe this.
When I was in China last fall I watched a teenage girl on a Beijing subway say goodbye to a friend getting off at a stop. As soon as they had waved goodbye and the doors closed, the girl pulled out her phone and began thumbing away.
This reminded me that these days, all around the world, it no longer looks “normal” to be doing nothing — even on trains, in elevators, in waiting rooms, standing in lines, or walking down the street.
Since we can now bring our personal entertainment environments with us everywhere in the form of phones, tablets and headgear (like Google Glass), all locations and situations are becoming our personal entertainment environments.
We no longer have to be bored in traditionally boring situations…and are likely never to be bored again.
That’s great, right? Or is it…
The continually advancing capabilities of devices (and the media hype…
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Writeinthewrongway very generously honored me with this award today. Which means a lot to me because it leads me to believe that someone is actually reading my posts. It comes with a pay it forward clause though which I appreciate- because what is one good turn without another? Here are the stipulations;
1. Display the Award Certificate on your website. √
2. Announce your win with a post and link to whoever presented you with the award. √
3. Present 15 awards to deserving bloggers. (see my next thought)
4. Drop them a comment to tip them off after you have linked them in the post. √
5. Post 7 interesting things about yourself. √
So rule number 3. . . Yeah. . . I don’t know that many yet. I’m still a newbie only weeks old. So I don’t have 15 bloggers that I follow yet.
I will however honor who I do follow.
1. an exhausted mom’s journey to publication– Someone I relate to since she is on a mission of her own.
2. The live simply blog– always looking for insight on how to not ‘want’ as much as I do.
3. HarshReality– I can appreciate is openness and desire to share
4. Zero-Knowledge Proofs-providing insight into bettering my career practices.
5. ihaveanopinionidliketoshare– just found this morning thanks to this award. I love her candor and I can relate to the pregnancy woes.
6. Write in the wrong way– I love your candor and support. Thanks again.
Okay so I’m sure I will find more fabulous blogs, bit for now there it is.
Now for 7 interesting things about myself.
1. I hate making decision for fear I will choose wrong.
2. My favorite thing to do as a mom is cuddle with my daughters.
3. I love solving puzzles of all kinds.
4. I love drinking Dr. Pepper.
5. I have been teaching for over a decade.
6. I lament the loss of customer service and chivalry.
7. Candy Crush frustrates the hell out of me and I can’t stop playing.
So there it is. Paid forward. Please let me know if I did something wrong with the links- it’s my first time linking.
Have you ever been in a situation where you were made to feel worse? Like when someone at school gets a better grade and brags it. Or when somebody compares you to somebody else and implies you are the one who is lacking. We’ve all been made to feel worse as some time or another. That feeling sucks, huh? Some dwell on it, repeat it over again in their thoughts, words, or actions trying to understand why or how it happened, or figure out who was really responsible. Some make it worse by reacting without thinking and snapping at innocent bystanders or loved ones in an effort to share that ‘I feel worse’ sucky feeling and get it off their own back rubbing it onto someone else’s in the process. All this does is allow the sucky to cling on and hang around. Others live through it and shrug it off like a coat that is suddenly disgustingly dirty. It’s sucks! Shed it! Because you realize it’s not about worse, or fault or blame, it’s just what IS. No comparison. No worse. Just IS.
You should never feel worse in comparison to someone else. To never feel worse, you have to erase the possibility of worse, and to do that you have to erase better. You have to erase the comparison, leaving no possibility for you to be judged (or judge yourself) as worse than. In turn, you are not better than anyone else. So doing things with the intention of outlasting, outshining, outperforming, outsmarting, outDOING is pointless. These intentions imply an outlier, the one who stands out in comparison to everyone else. I’m imaging that outlier didn’t get itself out their by knocking down other data, or people as it were. Not by standing among the other data and thinking,
I’m better than you.
I’m worse than you
But by already being there. Already being what it is. Whatever differences being natural or hard-earned. Even if differences are contrived or connived they ARE. The outlier didn’t get there by being better or worse in comparison. It got there by BEING an outlier.
There is no better. There is no worse. There is only what is. No point in comparing. No point in lamenting. If you don’t like it, instead of begrudging others, plan and work toward better. Or if you love it, instead of shoving it in someone else’s face enjoy it and count your blessings.
Dresses just don’t look good on me. The important ones I mean. I was looking through some old pictures today, my prom pictures among them. I recall looking through dozens of teeny bopper magazines to find the perfect dress. I found pieces of dresses I liked but not one I could fall in love with. So I had my dress made. A red velvety, concoction with a white airy fabric connected at the throat by a jeweled brooch, that flowed over each shoulder all the way down to my ankles. I believe it had a small train as well. I was proud of it and took several pictures playing with the trailing white fabric. I was a size 5. Flat stomached with budding breasts. And I felt beautiful in it. But when I saw those pictures today, I thought it was fairly shapeless. The heavy fabric adding nothing to my figure. Still love the airy strips of fabric flowing down the back though. Did I mention the dress maker made three dresses? One for me and two for sale on the racks. It must have been a decent design.
Another dress I regret is my wedding dress. I went out of state to buy it so my mother could be a part of the experience. I tried on one dress, out of her price range. But she loved it on me, and that made me happy. So we bought it. I had it altered to change the zipper, that helped the dress hug my curves, to a corset tie on the back. I had always wanted a corseted dress. But on my wedding day the corset didn’t hold tight enough and the bodice of my dress was ill-fitted. I noticed later when I looked at the pictures. Too much space between the dress and my breast.
So, I chose these dresses. At first I felt good about my choices. I felt good when I wore them on the day of the event. But, when I see pictures after the fact I become regretful and self-critical. I blamed the dresses. But maybe it wasn’t the dresses after all. Maybe it’s what was inside the dress. Maybe it’s just me. I imagine one day wearing a dress that makes me drop dead gorgeous. Somehow forgetting that ultimately it will still be draping my body. And at the heart of my dress problem is really a body problem. Or should I say an image problem? I don’t much like my image. Now, what to do about it? First, stop blaming the dress.
There I was. standing in a floating castle on a shiny 20×20″ piece of beautifully inlayed marble flooring. And with one bad decision and a great rendering shutter, the floor started to splinter and drop in a thousand pieces into a deep abyss below me. Not only the floor, but the walls, ceiling, pillars, everything surrounding me just abandoned me on the descent. I through my arms up to catch and support the piece that mattered most before it fell. Resting on the palms of my hands I held my husband and only months old daughter. When the cacophony and desertion stopped I was left, floating in space, supporting my family, yet somehow utterly alone.
I remember the day I put on my first pair of prescription glasses. I was young, elementary school age. I walked out of the eye-glass store and just. . . marveled. Everything was so vibrantly clear. Colors seemed brighter. Everything was so crisp. I could see nuance I had been missing all of my life, however short it was. I had asked my mother, “Why does everything look so clean?”
My eyesight wasn’t very bad to begin with. I had a simple astigmatism in one eye and slightly less than perfect vision to go with it. And as I recall, I didn’t wear my glasses much. I wonder why?
This memory came to mind today because my eyes are tired. So I am wearing my glasses. I stepped outside with them on, which is rare for me, and again everything seemed so vibrantly clear.
It got me to consider for a moment how unclear things appear when in reality it is our vision that is flawed. Our perception colored by our individual realities. How many of us have an astigmatism in other ways? Weakness in how we perceive reality? Morality? Society? Humanity? Are our eyes tired? Are we tired? What is it going to take to ‘see’ clearly? What would it be to have the crystal clear, high-definition view of what we are immersed in, unfettered by others negativity, criticism, judgment, or manipulation. Just to be free to enjoy the view. I want those glasses!